My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
