I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
