I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
