I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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