Kiss
Puke
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
