Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
