Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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