The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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