dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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