I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
