Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?