I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
