I look better un-naked...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
