I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!