this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
