She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Four minutes until I can fart!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
