at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
