i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
