T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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