I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
