honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
