k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
