He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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