im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
