I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
