dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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