My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
