how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
