Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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