A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
