Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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