If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Acid is not a monday night drug
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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