the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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