The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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