i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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