I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
