I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
