the new term for farting is butt boxing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
