Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
