Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
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You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize