All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
