I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
