wat bout pragnant strippers??
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
