Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
