I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
