If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
