If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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