It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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