i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
