There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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