3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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