just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
