i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
