it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
