we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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