he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
