I could make wine with my vomit
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I want a musical about memes.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
