sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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